I returned because I didn’t get a chance to really say goodbye to Pablo before I left. Walking up to the lodge and seeing his beaming face hit me hard. Not because it is horrid to see Pablo happy, but to know that I had to say goodbye to that now cheery man nearly broke my heart. For those confused, Pablo is a 49 year old man who has become one of my favourite people on this planet. While we had our cultural differences, and language barriers, I know that I have a solid friend in Pablo for the rest of my life.
All in all I managed to say goodbye to Yolanda, Pablo’s wife, and hug her before she left work. I also managed to say goodbye to the cute and wonderful Andy, Pablo and Yolanda’s son. All in all by the time Pablo left I could not stop crying. I had to sit for nearly 30 minutes alone in order to pull myself together. Then as soon as I saw Jenny I lost it all over again.
With Jenny sitting next to me, kleenex in hand, I was able to talk about how I felt and she helped provide me with some important insights. Even Dookie’s presence helped calm me down. As per usual, this lovely creature followed me up from the farm to the Lodge. He was there for a belly rub, ear scratch, scraps from my samosas (which were amazing as always), and in the end of it all, he slept with me up at the lodge. Curled up on the floor at the foot of my bed. What a dear.
I also was able to say a more proper goodbye to the rest of the staff, like Eric, Erica, Esaura, Angela, and Mercedes. I will never take that for granted. And even though I went to bed and woke up emotionally exhausted, I know that I had not quite learnt my lesson yet. That morning, while waiting to pay my bill (which I now realize that they were trying to make me forget to pay) Erica brought me two pieces of the heavenly Totoco bread with a bit of butter, marmalade and several other toppings. And coffee.
Martijn showed up to open reception. And whether you view it as good or bad timing, but just as I was packing up my stuff Erica brought me a sandwich which Esaura and Mercedes had made for me for the road. I lost it once again. As I was leaving I was crying, and Martijn caught me. I told him that the money in his hand was for my bill and the rest was for tips for the staff. He asked me why I was so upset, and without getting too much into it I just told him it was hard to leave. He shocked me by bursting into a giant smile and laughing, saying “it was awesome1”
I looked at him aghast! How was this awesome? Because apparently it is better for me to leave feeling sad to leave, then being ready to leave and feeling nothing. And while he was right, a part of me (a non-wanting-to-grow-emotionally part) wanted to say that at this moment I wish I cared less.
To really tip the scales, I ran into Silvia, whose family lives at the bottom of the Totoco road and whose family always receives a “Buenas” from me as I pass. She told me that I was always welcome and I dissolved into tears once again. Both us women stood on the Totoco main entrance road, crying. I gave her a hug and told her to hug each of the other women and tell them all that I considered the Totoco staff my family in Nicaragua.
I passed the farm to see Pablo Lopez, one final time. The last hug and the last smiles. He informed me that I was a beautiful person, inside and out and then I was gone. I cried during the entire walk from Totoco to just outside of Santa Cruz, a solid 45 minute to one hour walk. I had my epiphany here:
After that, I felt ready to keep going. I felt like I had achieved a breakthrough that was earth shattering. At the end of the day I know that I cannot possibly explain to you so each and everyone of you understand how powerful the wave from sadness to at ease was. I had never felt so at peace with my life.
In a strange way, my moment on the beach makes me feel like my time here in Central America is done. I came here to learn and grow and I did that. Now I feel a bit torn between staying and pursuing more of Central America and eventually South America or if I should cut and run and go somewhere else. India? Israel? Bhutan? Egypt? I don’t know.
All I can say is that I highly recommend a good emotional crisis every now and again.
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